


Self Hate

by ToughAqua777



Category: Dragon Quest Series, Dragon Quest XI
Genre: Angst, Don't copy to another site, Dragon Quest XI Act II, Dragon Quest XI Act II Spoilers, Dragon Quest XI Spoilers, Gen, Hero | Luminary is Named Eleven | El (Dragon Quest XI), Internal Conflict, Introspection, One Shot, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Originally Posted on deviantART, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 13:51:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19831549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughAqua777/pseuds/ToughAqua777
Summary: "Pathetic excuse for a Luminary...don't you think?"





	Self Hate

**Author's Note:**

> First fic I've put up here. Hope you enjoy!

He couldn't do it. He couldn't fall asleep. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't fall asleep. Stress? Probably. That tends to always be the thing that keeps him up nowadays.

Eleven sighed, looking up at the night sky, back to the dirt. He and Hendrik were camping for the night, planning to head to Mount Pang Lai. There may be no more...unnatural darkness in the sky, but that doesn't mean he wasn't worried. Then again, he's almost always worried. He just never told his friends--

 _His friends_. What happened to them...?

"Hey. Over here."

He gasped and quickly shot up from lying on the ground, searching around for the source of the voice that sounded almost-if-not identical to his own.

But nobody came.

Maybe he was just being paranoid-- "Over here."

Eleven quickly got to his feet, eyes widened. That was definitely his voice. And it was nearby, since he knew full-well he wasn't actually speaking. He looked over at Hendrik, wondering if he should say anything to him. Then again, he was sound asleep. Maybe he shouldn't disturb him.

"Well? Are you coming?" To the right.

Eleven, without really thinking, ran to the right, where the voice was located, leaving his sword behind. At first, nothing. Then still nothing. Nothing at all. He swore he heard the voice nearby.

But nobody came.

He wasn't sure how far away he ran from the camp, but he needed to go back, lest he be attacked by monsters. Just--

"Turn around." The voice again. So he turned.

And immediately regretted it.

Standing in-front of him was...well, _him_. Except he had no face. Eyes were absent. Nose was absent. Mouth was absent. _Nothing_ was there.

Eleven gasped, expression filled with shock and horror, and stepped away from the faceless mirror image of himself. How? How was that even possible?

It-it doesn't matter. Even without a sword, he could still fight this...thing...with magic.

"Interesting." The faceless one said, even without a mouth to speak with. "You refer to me as though I'm not human."

Eleven's initial expression went from shock to confusion. How else would he refer to...whatever it was?

"Maybe as a person? Oh, but then again, a person is _useful,_ right?"

For some reason, that struck a nerve with him. Eleven readied a spell...only to find that his magic wasn't working. But why?

"Even if it was, you can't hurt me." The faceless one walked toward the confused and frightened Luminary. "After all, you would only injure yourself."

Was it implying that they were the same?

"Of course I am. Right, _Darkspawn?"_

No. He's not a Darkspawn. He never was--

"Oh really?" The faceless one stopped walking so that they were within arm's reach. "Explain Dundrasil to me then."

Eleven's eyes widened once more. Dundrasil...the same kingdom he was born into. The same kingdom he was a prince to. The same kingdom that was destroyed. The same kingdom--

"That would still be around if it wasn't for you."

Eleven shook his head. That wasn't true. It wasn't his fault that the kingdom was attacked. He was just an infant!

"No excuses. You were born there, an' that gave Mordegon all the reasons he needed to attack. He destroyed all those lives, remember? But he was after _you_ the whole time."

Stop it. He...he had no control over those events, he--!

"Doesn't matter. He took King Carnelian's body, he took the lives of countless innocents, he even tried to murder everyone you grew up with."

Cobblestone. No. Please don't mention that. He hates remembering--

"Let me finish. He also took you powers away. He destroyed Yggdrasil. He even slaughtered your companions."

Eleven took a few steps back, trembling slightly as the thing mirrored him, keeping the same distance between them. NO. STOP. NOW.

"An' do you know _why_ he did all of that?"

STOP.

"Because you exist. It all happened _'cos you exist."_

STOP IT!

Eleven threw a punch at the faceless reflection, only for his wrist to be caught mid-punch by the latter. He couldn't help himself. He was tearing up, even with his expression was mixed with terror, sorrow, and rage.

"Quit crying. The Luminary doesn't cry."

Eleven tried to pull his hand away, but the faceless one had a powerful grip. He shut his eyes in a desperate yet futile effort to block out the thing.

"The Luminary is supposed to save _everyone._ The Luminary is supposed to save _the world._ The Luminary is a _savior."_

He knows that! Look, he's trying--

Out of the blue, the faceless one's free hand grabbed Eleven's neck, closing the windpipe with ease and the latter let out a strangled cry as his eyes shot open out of pain. "But _you._ You have brought upon the world _nothing._ _Nothing_ except _death_. _"_

Eleven shook his head as best he could, even as his free hand tried to pull the faceless thing's hand off of his neck. That wasn't...that wasn't true...! He-he has done some good! L-like in Phnom Nonh! O-or in Octagonia! E-even in Gondolia and Sn-Sniflheim!

"An' yet, those places are no more 'cos you failed the _entire world!"_

The grip on Eleven's neck was getting tighter. He couldn't breathe. He tried to call for help. Erik. Veronica. Serena. Sylvando. Rab--Grandad. Jade. Hendrik. Anyone! Help! Please help! Please!

But nobody came.

He heard the faceless thing scoff, shortly leading to the thing tossing Eleven to a nearby tree to its left, letting him cough and crumple down into a sitting position. By this point, tears were flowing freely from Eleven's eyes, his expression now nothing but utter sorrow.

"Pathetic excuse for a Luminary...don't you think?"

...Yes.

"You really _are_ the Darkspawn."

...True.

"Don't you agree everything would've been better if you never existed? Or if you just...stopped existing now?"

...

"...Well?"

After what felt like an eternity, Eleven weakly shook his head.

The lookalike scoffed again. "You still refuse to acknowledge the truth. Fine." The thing turned and walked away.

"I'll see you tomorrow then...me."

Eleven could only sit and sob as the faceless copy disappeared into the night. He wanted someone to walk over to him--to embrace him--and tell him that everything will be okay. That he didn't fail. That he could fix everything. That everyone would be okay. That it...no, _he_...was wrong.

But nobody came.

* * *

Hendrik was never a heavy sleeper. Especially so with the world in the state it's in. So he wasn't too surprised when he was awoken by a noise.

He just wasn't expecting that noise to be quiet sobbing.

Sitting up slowly, he looked over at his companion, the Luminary--no, _Eleven_ \--who was lying on his left side, away from the fire pit. Due to the closeness of the noise, it was definitely coming from him.

Though if he was to be honest, he wasn't too surprised.

The young man was barely an adult according to those who lived in Cobblestone, only having come-of-age the day before he left for Heliodor at the time. And yet, he was born with the destiny to be the Luminary, forced to take up the blessings, responsibilities, and burdens that came with such a holy title.

And with the world in such a horrid state, it was only natural that it all took a heavy toll on his psyche.

But Hendrik wasn't sure if there was much he could do now.

He was aware that Eleven was of few words, usually keeping to himself, but whether that was out of still-present distrust or it was natural he was unsure. Either way, he may not be willing to go into depth as to his own emotions.

So, Hendrik decided, he should wait. Give the young man time, wait for him to speak when he was ready.

Then maybe he'd be able to help.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't you hate it when you get self-destructive thoughts?
> 
> Not my first and not my best fic, but I hope you enjoyed reading!


End file.
